The Naming of Cats (a Rebuttal)

The naming of cats is something quite easy,
No matter what others might say.
For cats, being cats, don’t mind something cheesy.
So long, as there’s food in their tray. 
You can call a cat Whiskers,
(If you lack inspiration),
Or Tails, or PussPuss, or Tom.
Or Bobby, or Bilbo, or Stern Rumination,
The f*cks they give equal but none!
If you call a cat Elliott,
He won’t say,
The Hell it is,
And stick his tail high in the air.
For a cat is a cat, and what is a cat?
But a ‘couldn’t care less that you care’. 
Oh, she’ll nap in your lap, but then give you a slap, 
And won’t hold back none on the claws.
And then with smooth-smile hauteur,
Will jump down and saunter,
Without looking back, out the door.

I know some think cats are the best,
I’m not convinced I confess,
But then, they swell my face up in a rash.
And they chomp-up the birds, or
(which is worse)
Leave them to throw out in the trash.
So through first hand experience,
(As a rule, which is peerless)
I’ve found a quick route to success.
You can name a cat quickly,
And indeed, quite succinctly,
If you can find the right mode of address.
By calling them ‘Oy’ or ‘Bugger off, shoo!’
Words, which take but a moment to find,
The cat will soon do, what you want them to do,
Which is flee: tail streaming behind.
And yet, and alas, cats get the last laugh,
As their smirk shows they’re naming you too.
And if you want something flattering,
Dude, it’s not happening.
You’re: “Eejit’ what trod in my poo.”

(Inspired by 'The Naming of Cats by T.S. Eliot)